Of overprotection parents and the evolutionary spirit

Life is about survival of the fittest. And those of us who aim to shield or protect their children against the dangers of society undermine the ability of man to adapt and grow against adversity until he can overcome it.

It is not uncommon to see overprotective parents filtering almost all influences that their child gets introduced to, sometimes going to enough trouble to monitor their school friends, the books they read, who they meet and what they do. But the sad reality is that one cannot always keep an eye out for their loved ones. And sooner or later, the loved ones would get influenced by things that are beyond the control of their guardians. And it is also true that no matter how comfortable a position a person may be in, he is unable to appreciate it unless he understands the value of the circumstance relative to the other possibilities that may have been his destiny.

Hence we find that people grow weary of luxuries. And kids, who should be much thankful to their caring parents, end up blaming them or feeling too constricted or suffocated in their homes.

Survival of the fittest is as true today as it was millennia ago, when each species was fighting for its survival. Perhaps the dynamics of the fight have changed, but the reality of that statement remains as true even today. So it is imperative that parents and guardians teach their children to fight for what’s good for them, instead of shielding them from the bad so that they can enjoy the good. For while in the former case, a person learns to appreciate the good in life and also learns to take a few losses in his stride, in the latter, he takes success for granted and might fail to fight back if he ever finds himself the loser, looking to his guardians to stand up for him where he ought to stand up for himself.

Of course, love as it is, especially when it is of a parent for his child, and the vulnerability that it breeds in many of them, is such that they would want to do all that is in their control to protect their loved one. But it is a falsity that one can be ever-present for anyone through thick and thin. Not for your children. Not even for the love of your life, all vows aside.

The only sensible thing a person can do for their child is to teach him the difference between right and wrong, and let him find out for himself the difference between the two. All a child needs from his parents is guidance and support, and he will fight on his own. It is the human instinct. To fight your child’s battles for him makes it almost certain that he would lose the war.

Take the example of my infant nephew. He had this habit of pulling people’s hair. So one day, my sister pulled back his own hair and made him realize what it feels like when hair is pulled! Allah be praised that from that day he is free of that habit.

Another example is of a village elder who I met. He had to send his son outside the village to study for his secondary school exam, and was worried that the son might not study and start keeping bad company. Nonetheless, he decided to let his son take up a room on rent and stay in the city. For while a city can have a variety of influences on so young a mind such that the child may end up losing his way, the father confidently said that one who has to go astray would go astray even if he stayed at home. All alone, a person learns his position in society faster. If he wants to climb up the social ladder, he would work hard. He would be respectful to those he needed to be respectful to. For if he stayed at home, he could be disrespectful and come to the shelter of his home and family for protection, but in the city, all on his own, he would be more proactive in his attitude towards others. And just in case he did manage to pick fights and be disrespectful to others, and got away with it, it would mean he was making a stand for himself in the society, which would be even better than acquiescing to the current social norms.

It is true that some children do end up losing their way once they leave the security of their homes, but someone who has been brought up my a person who believes in his child in the way the above father did, I am sure would do much better on his own than if he stayed back in the comfort of his home.

Lastly, one day, my dad found me 200 KMs away from where I was supposed to be, at Old Delhi Railway Station, bunking college. I was unaware he would be there. And he too was, to be frank, quite shocked and angry to find me there too.

When he shouted at me, “What the hell are you doing here!”, a friend of his, who was with him and who got the drift of the situation, laughed casually and said, 

“Who are you to ask him what he is doing here? He should be asking you the same. 

The child is the father of the man!”